BELIEVE.

Believe.
The World is at your Fingertips.
Never Forget.

Monday as a Metaphor

The morning weather was warm, the chill of the fog sets in the afternoon and a quiet, solemn breeze permeates under the dark clouds that is my solitary existence.

The mystery of the night is that it can look you straight in the face like a mirror and display the images you wouldn't want to see: part reality, part idealism, mostly perception.

In our crazy, opinionated world, we long for silence. Silence can teach us a lot about ourselves: who we are, what we were and who we could become. It provides an outlet for reflection, mere appreciation and perhaps even gratitude. We close our eyes in the hopes that when we open them we're relieved of stress: of this very burden we carry on our shoulders, our minds and our hearts. I hugely define myself in the context of the friendships I build throughout these years; to not be an environment where I could freely let myself go with the peope around me is a scary thought. I've always understood the need for most people to establish themselves: part of which is trying to heal the scarring that was caused by a failed relationship. It seems to be an unending cycle in which everybody takes a part of.

I've never liked Mondays: mostly because it symbolizes the start of the work week and somehow the end of a good weekend but this monday is different. The last monday of my stay here in the dorms is one I can never forget. I notice m yself paying intense attention to everything around me: from the sway of the branches of the tree, to the natural layout of the environment, to people's emotions and to how the surroundings interacts with the energy and vibe of the people around it.

I feel like I needed to cry...somehow I have this idea that if I cry long enough, hard enough, intense enough that I could perhaps soften the blow of me leaving on friday. I'm scared, sad and slowly reaching the state of "numb." I want to reduce my experiences in blog-material yet I can't. It's not even about the physical effects of stress anymore, the problem is my brain is juiced-out, my skin is developing a thicker layer and that heart- it's pumping, at a slow and steady rate...at a slow and steady rate.

Moving On...

currently listening to the sound of wind outside my window.

I'm writing this blog with the knowledge that i'm leaving what I am accustomed to in 5 days. The past few weeks have been intensely challenging mostly with coming to grips with the reality that good life is taking another turn and i'm once again back to where I started. When I moved out a year ago, the thing that I valued the most was the independence I had always longed for. It seems that freedom costs a lot financially but I was willing to take that risk and even put myself to debt to experience what it means to be on your own without the financial support of anybody but yourself. It was liberating and definitely life-fulfilling...but now it certainly has to end.

I'm going back home for the summer and as excited as I am to spending more time with my family, i'm in pain because this crazy life i'm used to is now ending.

No more late night coffee breaks, overnight conversations, random sushi explorations...no more culinary attempts, fast walking to class and that all to similar Subway down the yard...no more looking out the window, ridiculously elevated beds and roommate arguments...gone were the days I treasured the most: moments when I come up with ideas, form my opinions and plan my life. No more conducive environments, loud parties out in the hall and poor desk lighting, no more this, no more than, no more everything and everythat.

It's true, always been true that you never really value what you have until it's gone. The fact of the matter is that things unfold naturally the way it was supposed to. If I had predicted the intensity of moving on, I probably would have regretted it because as sad and teary-eyed as I am leaving this place and a few good friends, I never want the power to know where my life is headed. I only want to do my best and direct where my life is going and let the natural course of things work its way.

Change is crucial. 23 years and going and i'm still trying to adapt to the effects of change. Moving on was a necessity to me as much as satisfying my thirst and hunger. The emotional challenges I had to face throughout my lifetime have certainly played a huge part in my perception of things. I want to hold on to things that matter to me but fear that I may have to let it go.

These next 5 days would probably be the most challenging, possibly rewarding days of my life. On top of a gazillion final projects and exams I have to deal with, I also have to worry about employment, future plans, family problems, reconnecting with scarred friendships and at the the same time, trying to cope with the overall sadness and stress of moving on. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back: now that I realize it's ok, at the least I have gained a step forward and possibly only one of a million step forwards I will take in my lifetime.

Life lesson learned: Enrich oneself with experiences beyond one's own. Commitments are constantly changing but perhaps the biggest commitment one can make to himself is the commitment to optimism. If all else fails, at least I still have a positive outlook in life. I call that "learned resilience."

1 year older and the Birthday Cake that never was

In two hours i'm turning 23. My grandma told me that i'm growing up and wishes that I "make it" by 25. She said it in a slightly condescending tone, quite sad actually. It bothered me a bit because those same words I heard from her was a constant reminder on how I have not made it in life, that I could possibly not be good enough right now. It was pretty innocent though, more of wishful thinking I assume. I was thinking about it...this whole idea of trying to prove to everybody around me how i'm measuring or not measuring up. It seems to me that even if I do reach everybody's expectations, most of the time it just doesn't matter because there are more expectations along the way. It's an unending cycle of diffused reality. You reach one, you lose some. It never was good enough.

I'm turning 23, I have not tried drugs, I don't smoke, I'm pursuing what i'm passionate at and I try to be a better person as I mature. By golly you know what, I HAVE MADE IT!!!. I've made it all along. Years from now I may come upon this blog again, read it and reflect. I hope this becomes a constant reminder to me that not everything in life should be measured in success but by the enjoyment of the journey to get there. If all along I was trying to beautify the entry door of my house, I may forget that I have to walk a couple of steps to get there and that path, no matter how narrow it is, should serve to enhance my experience all along. If I truly believe that I'm good enough then I am.

My birthday wish is further enjoyment of life, constant pursual of my passions and world peace. So Cheers and Happy Birthday to me! I am so proud of me for a successful year! and Here! Here! to years ahead!