Moving On...

currently listening to the sound of wind outside my window.

I'm writing this blog with the knowledge that i'm leaving what I am accustomed to in 5 days. The past few weeks have been intensely challenging mostly with coming to grips with the reality that good life is taking another turn and i'm once again back to where I started. When I moved out a year ago, the thing that I valued the most was the independence I had always longed for. It seems that freedom costs a lot financially but I was willing to take that risk and even put myself to debt to experience what it means to be on your own without the financial support of anybody but yourself. It was liberating and definitely life-fulfilling...but now it certainly has to end.

I'm going back home for the summer and as excited as I am to spending more time with my family, i'm in pain because this crazy life i'm used to is now ending.

No more late night coffee breaks, overnight conversations, random sushi explorations...no more culinary attempts, fast walking to class and that all to similar Subway down the yard...no more looking out the window, ridiculously elevated beds and roommate arguments...gone were the days I treasured the most: moments when I come up with ideas, form my opinions and plan my life. No more conducive environments, loud parties out in the hall and poor desk lighting, no more this, no more than, no more everything and everythat.

It's true, always been true that you never really value what you have until it's gone. The fact of the matter is that things unfold naturally the way it was supposed to. If I had predicted the intensity of moving on, I probably would have regretted it because as sad and teary-eyed as I am leaving this place and a few good friends, I never want the power to know where my life is headed. I only want to do my best and direct where my life is going and let the natural course of things work its way.

Change is crucial. 23 years and going and i'm still trying to adapt to the effects of change. Moving on was a necessity to me as much as satisfying my thirst and hunger. The emotional challenges I had to face throughout my lifetime have certainly played a huge part in my perception of things. I want to hold on to things that matter to me but fear that I may have to let it go.

These next 5 days would probably be the most challenging, possibly rewarding days of my life. On top of a gazillion final projects and exams I have to deal with, I also have to worry about employment, future plans, family problems, reconnecting with scarred friendships and at the the same time, trying to cope with the overall sadness and stress of moving on. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back: now that I realize it's ok, at the least I have gained a step forward and possibly only one of a million step forwards I will take in my lifetime.

Life lesson learned: Enrich oneself with experiences beyond one's own. Commitments are constantly changing but perhaps the biggest commitment one can make to himself is the commitment to optimism. If all else fails, at least I still have a positive outlook in life. I call that "learned resilience."